So as I sit here with my yoga pants yanked high over my mom belly, I dig into a pan of frozen lasagna I so shamelessly tossed in the oven an hour ago. No plates, just fork and tin. No portions this way, either (gasp!). With that, I recall the half a bottle of Honey Jack sitting pretty in my freezer. I can almost taste how crisp she is after collecting frost all night, but I snap back into reality with just enough time to close my jaw before any drool can escape.
That’s when I decided what I had to do. THIS.
Shame ain’t my game, anymore. And it’s the worst game to play as a new mom, with a tiny alien crawling all over you all day. Okay, okay, BABY. I meant baby. Jeez.
Not to mention there are A LOT of new games for you to play as a mom. And things to do. Babies to keep alive. Yourself to keep in somewhat functioning order. Right? So who has the goddamn time for shame!
- Not Using the Right Anything
Oh, shit! That towel isn’t 100% koala tears & bamboo leaves. How will our baby get dry? NOTHING WE OWN IS ORGANIC. The thing is, there are sensitive cases, where a certain product, or a certain way of doing something caused a child to… well, let’s just say THINGS WENT HORRIBLY WRONG. And that mama, as she should, took to social media and set off alarm bells in every new mama’s head. Thus, the whole world puts the kibosh on that product like it was made by satan. Hey – some people are allergic to peanuts. So. Should the whole world stop eating peanuts? I’m just saying. Take it all with a grain of salt, use your own judgement and common sense. Think of how you were raised. Breathe, and simplify mama! Your no-name products just mean you want to keep a roof over your babies precious little heads.
2. A Half-Ass Diet (Repeat After Me: CARBS ARE MY FRIEND)
Oh, buddy… carbs. If your kids are under the age of five especially, then yeah, don’t try to cut carbs out of your diet. If you do, then NO ONE will want to be your friend, and you’re after dissing carbs, so carbs won’t have your back, either. Just kidding, carbs are always there waiting for you to come back to your senses, babe. By all means, try your hand at portion-control. Totally! But a zero-carb diet for a new mom, well let’s just say I tried it. My little minion couldn’t kick the dreaded thrush, so I decided to try and cut out yeast and sugar. It was a bad two days for everyone. Two days. I’m a determined little spitfire, but NOPE. That is all. Side note that I never claimed to be a diet specialist, nutritionist or body coach, that ain’t my game. But I’ll remind you to exercise your mind & soul, lady, don’t forget it.
3. A Well-Rehearsed Verse of ‘Me, Myself & I’ by Beyonce
Sing it, girl. In front of your mirror into your wine bottle, if you must. Mom needs alone time – paws off, clean shirt free of peanut butter smudges, oh! and washing your face with an actual cleanser, not just sliding a baby wipe over it. Now that’s a half a spa day right there. Meditate, meditate, meditate. You can say it ain’t your thing, but I suggest you find a way to make it your thing. Every one’s mind needs to rest, to be as it is – no clutter. Clean it up, free all the rubble and garbage rolling around up there (paw patrol theme song, anyone?) and you will tackle all of those extra little things you normally feel too bogged down to do… like taking out the trash! Am I right, though? Clean your slate, do something for yourself. It’s those gosh darn little things, somethin’ bout ’em. Makes you feel all bright, shiny and new again. Then you can come back and be a kick-ass mom who makes her kids feel like they’re awesome and loved. Win win.
4. Being Human
Why would you feel shameful about being human, you might ask? Good question. We are flawed individuals. Sometimes we snap at our most loved. Sometimes we go on strike against hygiene and don’t shower for four days. And sometimes our lovely little spawn eat chips for dinner and go to bed in a blanket fort at midnight. Woops. For the love of MEMORIES. These human moments tend to be our most loved memories, the moments we strayed from being perfect, strayed from our planner book and our routines. Kick off your rain boots and dance barefoot in the rain with ya bad selves!
5. Not Living in a Fucking Mansion Made of Gold
Know where my fondest childhood memories took place? OUTSIDE. IN THE DIRT. AND THE FOREST. Not sitting around a wonky ikea kid’s table with cavier and champagne. Feed your kid’s souls with life’s priceless treasures. I’m not sure where it became a thing, that a successful household has brand name food, shiny new furniture, and a toy room busting with the newest toys, but don’t hold yourself to that standard. If you have the money, cool. If you don’t, don’t beat yourself up over it. All I’m saying is money doesn’t measure your parenting skill. If you’re nodding your head along with all this, I’m sure you’re gonna be just fine, sista.
Welcome to the hot mess mama club, we never meet cause we’d all be late or cancelling, anyway.
peace, love, & lasagna,