Sharing isn’t always Caring

It’s the first major lesson we’re taught: to share. Is it any wonder we’re all out here thinking our main purpose is to find someone to share our life with? As though, if we don’t, if we end up alone, we’ve failed our lives? That’s a tad too much pressure. The idea that you’re broken, lost, or unhappy because you’re single is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

You get to decide, you know. Your purpose … that’s on you. Maybe your purpose is to find someone to spend your life with. Maybe your union with that person will change the world. Great! Just know that doesn’t have to be it. Some of us find ourselves unhappy ‘cause we’re trying to live out someone else’s idea of life.

I’m not bashing couples, not for a second… but I think there are some people out there who need to hear this. I needed it. So much focus went towards: Am I gonna end up alone? What If I do? What am I doing wrong? Gawwwwddd, we need to stop.

So much focus was taken away from THIS. Me! I’ve got so much passion and creativity in me that was being wasted on people who don’t care much for me. It makes me cringe thinking back on it. Ya know what makes my heart skip a beat? When I’m singing and I know I hit the note just right, when I’m writing and it flows so perfectly, everything I wanted to say came out just right, and knowing that I’m spending my time towards something fucking beautiful… building a future by myself, for myself (and Owen) … no one can take that away, or tarnish it ‘cause I fucking own it. It’s the most badass thing I can think of.

I was a lonely little girl, and I thought I was supposed to be sad by that. The world will try to tell you what you can and can’t do, what you’re supposed to feel and who you’re supposed to be. Fuck ‘em.

Being alone is a strength I embrace. Wolf and Woman is me, myself and I, braving my scars and insecurities. It’s my foundation, and I’m so proud of what I’m building. So GO – build your lives, be ruthless, do whatever the friggin’ heck you want, and don’t forget to laugh the entire way. Make some waves, stir the pot, and please for the love of god don’t stop being weird, don’t tone down your personality because some people are uncomfortable by it. Fuck’em I said.

 

Ciara Leah

 

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Grade School Sucks

I used to hate everything I could possibly hate about myself. How awful is that? When we’re young we’re so susceptible to what’s on TV, in magazines, trends, and so on… the things I hated the most, that set me apart, are what I treasure now. Growing up is fucking grand. Not giving a fuck is, too. They go hand in hand I’m sure.

I could give you a list… my freckles, dimples, brown hair, uneven eyebrows (seriously, one is raised much higher than the other and I never knew what to do about it), awkwardly skinny – bony, if you will? Dare I go on? My name, even!

I hated it all. I focused on every detail I hated. God, I cringe thinking of it. But that’s growing up. We learn, grow, do better.

It’s not just how I look, I’ve always felt a little off. I never thought the same as everyone else and viewed it as a weakness. Oh no no no… dear young child. It is such a strength, I hate that it has taken me this long to figure that out. I felt like I was slower than others… It’s just that I’m in a whole different lane all together.

Because it is really disheartening to go through the first 16 years of your life thinking there’s something wrong with you just cause you don’t have blonde hair, hips and say “cool things”. Grade school sucks for anyone who is different. You never feel accepted, really. Maybe get along fine (not all of us), but regardless will always feel like you’re on the outside lookin’ in.

I wish I realized all this, then.

Bottom line: being different does not make you lesser, weaker, or what-have-you. Make it what you need it to be for you. It’s your choice. It could make you weaker, if you let it. No fucking doubt. Or…. Make it your strength.

The cards are in your hands, it’s up to you how you play them.

Ciara Leah

OK, Let’s Cut the Shit

OK let’s cut the shit. My posts up until now have been borderline dreary – agreed? I’ve got a lot of material to work with on the ‘dark and twisty’ side of things (Grey’s fans holla?). I don’t plan to write, it just comes outta me like lava. Alright I’ll try to keep the movie quotes to a minimum but c’mon, couldn’t resist. So clearly I’ve been real serious these days. Blah! As serious, dark or deep as I get, my favorite side to me is my sense of humor… which is EXACTLY what has gotten me through all this crap life has so kindly chosen ME to unload on. I’m honored. Really, I am! So many things if they just went a little differently… or maybe “went my way for once” would have made me into a totally different person, guaranteed. And I don’t wanna know that me.

Before I start gettin’ all chatty and deep again, though… let’s cut the shit. I miss the feeling of laughing so hard you can’t breathe… tears streaming, sore muscles… jeez, what happened? Aside from the fact my best friend moved from the province… I lost my joy. So now what?! Back to the drawing board. I gained so much experience and wisdom but it sucked the life out of me. Growth is painful. Like any war won, you gain so much, while losing so much during the process.

When I’m feeling lost and unsure of my next move I like to go back to basics. Strip away all the bullshit. Only hold on to what feeds your soul.

That means anything… and… everything. Physical, mental… you have to clear it all away. Remember being a kid? Channel that. I have always remained the same deep down, but along the way… we go through phases, trial different personalities, friendships. But I’ve come to a point I know what I like and what I want – who I am. And to be honest… It’s not much different than who I was as a little girl. I’ve come full circle gaining knowledge, wisdom and experience along the way. I’m “Ciwa Weah” 2.0! Yeah, damn those R’s are tricky to pronounce for a lil’ mouth. Something my dear little boy adopted from me.

Like I’ve said before, I’m so much light and dark. As a little girl, I’m pretty sure I always looked either evil or ridiculously happy in pictures. For me, the worse things get… the more I give out that joy. I could be rock bottom and I will find a reason to be happier than ever – It always evens out. You need both. So currently I’m at an imbalance. I’ve spent the evening purging my belongings, my thoughts… everything clouding me. But I had to get these thoughts out.

This is your friendly reminder to laugh, smile… just wipe away that miserable “resting bitch face” look and remind yourself of the joy. It can be few and far between, but you are in control of your reactions. Find the humor in the worst of situations… laugh instead of cry, or laugh until you cry. None of us get out of here alive anyway, as cliché as that may sound. Let it sink in. Don’t lose your joy in the battle, you need it to keep going.

 

Ciara Leah

Hidden

I hide parts of me

They stay cold and cobwebbed

I blame my clumsiness on them

They try to escape on accident

Like if I trip or fumble my words, they’ll see the light of day

The sun will set them on fire

So I won’t have to

My modesty holds me back, again

My modesty holds me back

 

I’m scared to be seen

Like their gazes and opinions, their opposing views

Might tarnish what I’ve built

Track mud through the floors

And leave empty bottles on the lawn

So selfishly stowed away they remain

Waiting impatiently for casualty

My fear holds me back, again

My fear holds me back

 

I grow tired

Of the constant white noise of my weaknesses

The valuable pieces of my soul start to erode, and I can feel it

Modesty and fear outnumber, but I’ve brought an army –

Determination

Guts

Intensity

– They chew away at each other, an even battle

It’s a back and forth crusade, and I show up daily

Try and hold me back, I tease

Try and hold me back

 

Ciara Leah

 

 

The Big Bad Love Issue

Love is not an easy thing for me. I don’t take it lightly, and it doesn’t come and go like the weather. For me, it builds… like a horrendous storm about to wreak havoc on a city – years of rebuilding from the damage. It drains me because I can’t help but put in 150% and then some. I just can’t fathom doing it half-ass.

‘Cause If you’re something different in my eyes, unapologetically yourself, and kinda rough around the edges… chances are I’m gonna drop everything for you… A hard shell with the biggest heart hidden inside – the ones that don’t think they’re worth much. I’m a sucker. Maybe it’s that I see my reflection in them, maybe that I love to build people up… I know the lows so well that I don’t wish it on anyone. And I’m smart enough to know wishing hate will just bring it double time right back in your face.

Only a select few have grabbed my attention through my 23 years here… and the memories are burned into my brain. If it’s easily forgotten by the time you have healed completely, then I’m sorry, that wasn’t it. Those real loves… never heal completely – scar tissue forms.

I don’t believe in the thought that if it was really love, then you can’t be friends. I think the realest ones… they were meant to come to you, the connection had to be undeniable to grab your attention and your trust. It’s sick but this is how we learn – now you’ve got this person before you that you adore, love, trust…. and for whatever reason life decides to throw at you, they break you. They were a lesson. Unfortunate but it’s the best way we learn.

If you allow yourself to feel it, analyze it, and let it go, you will be better for it. And when it’s real, in time you may see the reasons it wouldn’t have lasted, but you will never stop feeling that connection. Those are your soul mates. And because of that connection you may remain in touch, become the best of friends, or just friendly… you’ll never stop wishing the best things for them. Or just silently cheer them on from the sidelines. That’s what I truly believe.

If shit hits the fan, you eventually heal and then never see them again nor think much of them, no respect remains… I don’t feel that was ever really a legitimate love. That was not real. Because no matter how painful it could be seeing this person with someone else, being there for them and just being their friend… it’s so much better than disconnecting… because it means the world to just be in their life.

Life beats us down so much, you can gain and lose so much in the matter of minutes… what remains is these connections. The best treasures can’t physically be taken from you. This is the knowledge I’ve dissected from life. I treasure my mind so much, the knowledge and wisdom it holds… the connections my heart holds, my material possessions have downsized significantly as I grow older… I find myself annoyed with having a lot of belongings… clutter. I hate it. Anyway – It’s good to have your own opinions and beliefs… these are mine. Don’t be afraid to stand out… a wolf among sheep.

Ciara Leah

Its Just Life

We all need something to push ourselves when we’re down. Our own personal pep talks. Well, here’s a little insight into my mind. It’s just fucking life, I tell myself. Anxiety gets me bogged down at times, not the way it once did but hey, I’m no perfect person here. Anxiety is a whole other ball game that I don’t even wanna get into tonight… we’ll save that gem for another time.

But, DAMN do we ever get worked up over the little things, hey? Life is hard, yes… shitty? Yes. Devastating? Totally. Can’t have light without darkness, and vice versa. You need both. I am both darkness and light, completely, with neither one taking the lead. And I love both sides of me. I give full attention and care to both. I don’t act like my darkness ain’t there, nor do I hide my light. Side note: I also embrace both my grammatically correct side and my small town country girl side, ha! I see the world very grey – understand both the black and the white, and tend to meet somewhere in the middle.

But as I was saying… the little things, ah! The little things. It’s great when the little things in life bring you joy. What about when you get stressed out and angry over the little things, though? Totally different story. It’s just life! Repeat it ‘til it sinks in. We’re all gonna die one day or another. Hey, I’m just sayin’. So what really matters? There’s no knowing how long we are here… could be gone tomorrow. It’s just fucking life. And those little things will be over and finished within the blink of an eye. Adjust your focus. Life is what you make it. Create your own reality and come up with your own pep talks. Have your own back. What ever is inside you is all you need to be great – you just need to search within. Don’t look around you, look inside. No one else is going to know what you need. YOU know what you need. Be versatile, adapt… and be fucking ruthless. Be a wolf.

Ciara Leah

 

 

Apologies, a Dime a Dozen?

It’s easy to accept an apology, only when you’ve healed. Accepting someone’s apology to your self is an inside job… it requires you to do the work – not them. Which hardly seems fair, right? They hurt you… and you have to do work. You have to clean up their mess. I’m human, and like anyone else… I don’t like getting hurt. But a part of me, twisted maybe, likes it. I love learning and growing. But growth is always painful. It’s like those of you out there who love the pain after a good workout. I love mental growth, and maybe I don’t love how it hurts, I know it means I’m getting stronger.

By the time you get it – the apology – you don’t care whether you have it or not. The apology symbolizes the healing (the work) being finished. We become fixated on an apology, in attempt to avoid doing the work. It’s not laziness. It’s because it is one of the hardest things… to feel completely, to acknowledge a betrayal, a heartbreak, a lost loved one… we are conditioned to avoid pain whenever we can, however we can. It’s a human response. We don’t like to feel uncomfortable. When you no longer need or want the apology is when you know you have healed.

Sorry has never meant much to me. What I look for… is in the eyes. I don’t need to hear sorry… I need to feel it and see it. I say words are so powerful and they are, I believe that. But there are words and phrases that have become meaningless from abuse. The thing is… when you’re down, and you’re cleaning up after the mess someone else made… and it hurts… I’m sorry doesn’t do you any favours. What I haven’t figured out yet is… what can they do? If there are no magic words, and if you have to do the work yourself… what can they do?

Mic Check

“Wolves are very diverse animals, which is why they have a habitat that is very spread out around the world. It isn’t true that they only live in very thick forests and come out at night. Wolves have been identified in many areas that you may not ever imagine them being able to survive. Their versatility is amazing and it has helped them to survive in spite of their status as an endangered animal.” – Wolf Habitat, http://www.wolfworlds.com

Becoming a wolf… let’s keep this short and sweet for introductions sake. I’m a woman, that’s safe to say: 23, mama, yadda yadda. Insert here: lyrics to Independent Women by Destiny’s Child. Throw your hands up at me!

I’ve had to make some adjustments over time to keep from losing my head. I’m real stubborn and don’t like to look or feel weak. But I didn’t realize the amount of strength gained in acknowledging and accepting my weaknesses… no one can hold them against you when you own them, no shame.

So much of my journey has been about taking control of my life rather than just letting it happen to me, but it’s a serious balancing act. To be in control of your life you must also completely let go. Sounds counterproductive, right? When we think control we think of action, being proactive and maybe even a little aggressive… but you own your life when you let go of any and all attachments, expectations and what you think is supposed to happen.

By being unbothered by what might happen you are in control – nothing can throw you off. I know I’m in for trouble when I find myself making plans. My love life situation has never been an easy one… after what has felt like a parade of heartbreak for the last decade I finally quit. I let go of the expectation… you know that image most of us probably have? A husband/wife, kids, nice house and nice wheels… well I’ve left that image in my rearview. I let go of everything, laid with myself for a while, as long as I needed. I didn’t leave my house for days… honest. Tossed out everything cluttering me – physically and mentally. I stripped myself of everything ‘til it was just me and that’s when I started to build from the very bottom. This is my journey to becoming more wolf than woman…

Ciara Leah