We all need something to push ourselves when we’re down. Our own personal pep talks. Well, here’s a little insight into my mind. It’s just fucking life, I tell myself. Anxiety gets me bogged down at times, not the way it once did but hey, I’m no perfect person here. Anxiety is a whole other ball game that I don’t even wanna get into tonight… we’ll save that gem for another time.
But, DAMN do we ever get worked up over the little things, hey? Life is hard, yes… shitty? Yes. Devastating? Totally. Can’t have light without darkness, and vice versa. You need both. I am both darkness and light, completely, with neither one taking the lead. And I love both sides of me. I give full attention and care to both. I don’t act like my darkness ain’t there, nor do I hide my light. Side note: I also embrace both my grammatically correct side and my small town country girl side, ha! I see the world very grey – understand both the black and the white, and tend to meet somewhere in the middle.
But as I was saying… the little things, ah! The little things. It’s great when the little things in life bring you joy. What about when you get stressed out and angry over the little things, though? Totally different story. It’s just life! Repeat it ‘til it sinks in. We’re all gonna die one day or another. Hey, I’m just sayin’. So what really matters? There’s no knowing how long we are here… could be gone tomorrow. It’s just fucking life. And those little things will be over and finished within the blink of an eye. Adjust your focus. Life is what you make it. Create your own reality and come up with your own pep talks. Have your own back. What ever is inside you is all you need to be great – you just need to search within. Don’t look around you, look inside. No one else is going to know what you need. YOU know what you need. Be versatile, adapt… and be fucking ruthless. Be a wolf.
It’s easy to accept an apology, only when you’ve healed. Accepting someone’s apology to your self is an inside job… it requires you to do the work – not them. Which hardly seems fair, right? They hurt you… and you have to do work. You have to clean up their mess. I’m human, and like anyone else… I don’t like getting hurt. But a part of me, twisted maybe, likes it. I love learning and growing. But growth is always painful. It’s like those of you out there who love the pain after a good workout. I love mental growth, and maybe I don’t love how it hurts, I know it means I’m getting stronger.
By the time you get it – the apology – you don’t care whether you have it or not. The apology symbolizes the healing (the work) being finished. We become fixated on an apology, in attempt to avoid doing the work. It’s not laziness. It’s because it is one of the hardest things… to feel completely, to acknowledge a betrayal, a heartbreak, a lost loved one… we are conditioned to avoid pain whenever we can, however we can. It’s a human response. We don’t like to feel uncomfortable. When you no longer need or want the apology is when you know you have healed.
Sorry has never meant much to me. What I look for… is in the eyes. I don’t need to hear sorry… I need to feel it and see it. I say words are so powerful and they are, I believe that. But there are words and phrases that have become meaningless from abuse. The thing is… when you’re down, and you’re cleaning up after the mess someone else made… and it hurts… I’m sorry doesn’t do you any favours. What I haven’t figured out yet is… what can they do? If there are no magic words, and if you have to do the work yourself… what can they do?
“Wolves are very diverse animals, which is why they have a habitat that is very spread out around the world. It isn’t true that they only live in very thick forests and come out at night. Wolves have been identified in many areas that you may not ever imagine them being able to survive. Their versatility is amazing and it has helped them to survive in spite of their status as an endangered animal.” – Wolf Habitat, http://www.wolfworlds.com
Becoming a wolf… let’s keep this short and sweet for introductions sake. I’m a woman, that’s safe to say: 23, mama, yadda yadda. Insert here: lyrics to Independent Women by Destiny’s Child. Throw your hands up at me!
I’ve had to make some adjustments over time to keep from losing my head. I’m real stubborn and don’t like to look or feel weak. But I didn’t realize the amount of strength gained in acknowledging and accepting my weaknesses… no one can hold them against you when you own them, no shame.
So much of my journey has been about taking control of my life rather than just letting it happen to me, but it’s a serious balancing act. To be in control of your life you must also completely let go. Sounds counterproductive, right? When we think control we think of action, being proactive and maybe even a little aggressive… but you own your life when you let go of any and all attachments, expectations and what you think is supposed to happen.
By being unbothered by what might happen you are in control – nothing can throw you off. I know I’m in for trouble when I find myself making plans. My love life situation has never been an easy one… after what has felt like a parade of heartbreak for the last decade I finally quit. I let go of the expectation… you know that image most of us probably have? A husband/wife, kids, nice house and nice wheels… well I’ve left that image in my rearview. I let go of everything, laid with myself for a while, as long as I needed. I didn’t leave my house for days… honest. Tossed out everything cluttering me – physically and mentally. I stripped myself of everything ‘til it was just me and that’s when I started to build from the very bottom. This is my journey to becoming more wolf than woman…