Maybe it’s that I died. Literally heart stopped – gone. Or that I’ve wanted to more times than I can count on two hands. I realize how dreary those words must sound… but to me, just saying them out loud I feel like a bag of feathers and a bucket of sunshine. It’s just my truth, we as humans add emotion to it.

Maybe being so low for so long, and sabotaging any happiness that came along cause it was a stranger to me… it was uncomfortable, uncharted territory. Maybe these things are what gave me this perspective.

I just can’t care anymore. I mean that in the best way possible.

I can’t care about anything superficial or materialistic. I just can’t. Drama, games, ignorance, and cowards, as well. Nope. These are a few of my least favourite things! Just a big nope.

What the heck is a trend? I know what I like, not what the rest of the world likes.

And please, if you are wasting your time worrying that no one “liked” your post or your picture on social media…. Go for a fucking walk in nature and rethink your life.

The thing is… time is precious and it absolutely flies. What if I had passed away that night? Giving birth to my son, barely 20 years old. This is a second kick at the can. I wanna do this right.

I’ll die with the biggest smile knowing that I put myself out there. Knowing I put something in the world that wasn’t there before. Regardless of recognition, “likes”, mock me, even. I will be smiling even bigger.

Cause the thing is, I shouldn’t be here right now. A part of me did die that night. I put to rest all of the shy, scared, worry-filled parts of me. I’m a mom now – time to buck up. A little boy needs me, there’s no time to worry about what people think of me.

The moment I will feel I have failed my son, is not when we fall short of a picture perfect family image, but if I fall short of being myself, of being real and humble.

What’s a perfect family to you? Do you picture split parents, a small basement apartment, a cupboard full of canned goods and a gas tank teasing the red line? Doubtful. But look closer. There’s always more than meets the eye, I promise you. This may be what gets me in trouble more often than not, that I give people a chance that most would turn away, or call a “low-life”, or a “loser”. That may be my downfall. I just know there is always more to people than we will ever know. And you can’t measure a person by their bank account.

When you have nothing, you learn right away how to be happy with less. More time spent connecting with humans not computers. Anxiety is becoming a problem because of our environment. We’re getting overwhelmed cause there’s way too damn much information and media at our fingertips, we get sucked in. Like I said before – Go! Go for a walk.

Leave your phone on the table, erase every superficial thought and materialistic desire and go breathe, let yourself just be… be you, no pressure, no anxiety to fit in or make anyone else happy…. Now tell me how good that feels. I promise.

Live something real before you start dying full of regrets.

 

Ciara Leah

 

 

 

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