OK let’s cut the shit. My posts up until now have been borderline dreary – agreed? I’ve got a lot of material to work with on the ‘dark and twisty’ side of things (Grey’s fans holla?). I don’t plan to write, it just comes outta me like lava. Alright I’ll try to keep the movie quotes to a minimum but c’mon, couldn’t resist. So clearly I’ve been real serious these days. Blah! As serious, dark or deep as I get, my favorite side to me is my sense of humor… which is EXACTLY what has gotten me through all this crap life has so kindly chosen ME to unload on. I’m honored. Really, I am! So many things if they just went a little differently… or maybe “went my way for once” would have made me into a totally different person, guaranteed. And I don’t wanna know that me.

Before I start gettin’ all chatty and deep again, though… let’s cut the shit. I miss the feeling of laughing so hard you can’t breathe… tears streaming, sore muscles… jeez, what happened? Aside from the fact my best friend moved from the province… I lost my joy. So now what?! Back to the drawing board. I gained so much experience and wisdom but it sucked the life out of me. Growth is painful. Like any war won, you gain so much, while losing so much during the process.

When I’m feeling lost and unsure of my next move I like to go back to basics. Strip away all the bullshit. Only hold on to what feeds your soul.

That means anything… and… everything. Physical, mental… you have to clear it all away. Remember being a kid? Channel that. I have always remained the same deep down, but along the way… we go through phases, trial different personalities, friendships. But I’ve come to a point I know what I like and what I want – who I am. And to be honest… It’s not much different than who I was as a little girl. I’ve come full circle gaining knowledge, wisdom and experience along the way. I’m “Ciwa Weah” 2.0! Yeah, damn those R’s are tricky to pronounce for a lil’ mouth. Something my dear little boy adopted from me.

Like I’ve said before, I’m so much light and dark. As a little girl, I’m pretty sure I always looked either evil or ridiculously happy in pictures. For me, the worse things get… the more I give out that joy. I could be rock bottom and I will find a reason to be happier than ever – It always evens out. You need both. So currently I’m at an imbalance. I’ve spent the evening purging my belongings, my thoughts… everything clouding me. But I had to get these thoughts out.

This is your friendly reminder to laugh, smile… just wipe away that miserable “resting bitch face” look and remind yourself of the joy. It can be few and far between, but you are in control of your reactions. Find the humor in the worst of situations… laugh instead of cry, or laugh until you cry. None of us get out of here alive anyway, as cliché as that may sound. Let it sink in. Don’t lose your joy in the battle, you need it to keep going.

 

Ciara Leah

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